Yellow Pill

Yellow pill, yellow pill. Every day I take you, a small encapsulation of my life in repetition. A constant reminder of the dukkha prevalent in my own soul. A yo-yo of emotions more destructive and different than the poles of Earth herself.

I am me, yet I hold to question who else am I. A chip on my shoulder, a bug on my back. Stitched to me like Peter Pan’s shadow at my feet. No-one can see it, not even I. When I stare in the mirror, my face stares back untouched unmoved.

It is like tar seeping through my lungs with every breath. It can be suffocation and liberating. The demon on the silver lining of my shredded soul. It’s teeth and claws baring and breaking the skin. Leaving my inner workings a babe crying on the floor.

This thing that follows, invisible to all. This thing that hunts me, I can feel but not see. In the dark blue shade hours of the night and the grey chromatic light of the day, I am hunted. Is it safe to call it a hunt when the prey does not need be found?

I grind my teeth, clasp my knuckles and harden my gaze. It is close, sniffing around for its next meal. My daily grind feeds into my scent, it laps up the oozing smell of my stress. And with one more breath, my stress becomes self-sustaining.

A vicious cycle. Stress created externally only to be eaten and spewed out in the moment of the feast. More! More! More, it cries as it circles me like carrion cawing for its next meal. But it does not dish the killing blow. That is to be by my hand only.

Once the feast is done. It grips me tight, its nails digging in, and whispers sweet, sweet nothings in my ear. I relax and grow into a sense of security. Falsely felt. My mood shifts from the depths of hell to the highs of heaven.

My traveler leaps like a giddy dog. Encouraging me on, my giddiness fed by the giddy dog. I leap and bound like a drunken man. My actions fluid in the sense of sobriety but my mind awash with the haze of alcohol never drank.

Fading, fading the inevitable crash. But not the screech of metal on metal, but the slow fall of an angel who has displeased the almighty good. My wings bent and bowed, I circle the air as I fall. Watching Earth nay Hell form to greet me. I can see the end.  

Once again I sit in a monochrome room on a rainy day, a noir cliche. This is the greyscape of my inner-mind. It is a small bare room, with barely anything in. Just a bed, window and a door that will eventually open. But not yet.

I have fallen from the afterglow of heaven into a grey bleak room of self-loathing. This space is my own prison, a far cry from Heaven it is Hell. And my traveler, the shadow at my feet holds the key to the door, whispering despair in my ears.

The door opens. Up I jolt and leave my mind. The yellow pill here to rescue me. It stabilizes my altitude and levels the playing field. I am surrounded by a glass fence. Safe and secure. I tuck myself ready for a peaceful sleep.

But as I lie still, in my fenced off haven I suddenly watch. Like a cat it slinks about the fences, piercing me with those yellow eyes. Ready for its next move against me. I cry in terror, jumping from my bed. Its eyes laughing as the fences fall down.

What will it be? The mania of heaven or the depression down in hell? It lunges for me and I wish for the yellow pill. Crying out I hold out my hand in terror. I name you! By God I name you! My cruel shadow, my illness, I name you! But unlike true demons, you will never begone!    

Sonnet - Evermore

Evermore-

I’ll keep saying it, I love you.

I always undoubtedly will.

It is the only thing true,

The greatest of life’s thrill.

We have our ups and downs.

But we move on forwards,

Through smiles, tears and frowns.

So I’ll keep saying those three words.

I love you, my beautiful evermore.

We will live together and be married.

I could never see anything before.

Our future leaves me unworried. 

After all is said on this matter.

Little feet will we hear patter.

Poem - Thoughts Alone

Thought Alone

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

For that glimpse of fiction.

Is it just me my own?

I stepped into a panorama.

It cascaded my senses.

Time echoes slowly by.

My day enclosed in fences.

Cut off and drawn in lines.

I am bound by laws.

Rules I make to fury.

I whimper at my own flaws.

They scream and shout.

Glaring, an obvious mess.

I am my own reflection.

To my own naiveness. 

But moments;

They linger like a taste.

With a flash, they run.

And I give my chase.

So I ask.

Once again.

In my curious crisis.

My question a bane.

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

Or does reality, 

Have to be sown?

The clocks stop.

My eyes dim to close.

Memories shimmer.

My voice awaiting prose.

You stand.

Opposite me.

Beyond the mirror.

My memory be.

For you are,

Now a memory.

More certain than ever. 

I am cold and empty.

Like smoke to a net.

You drift away.

My chance lost.

None existent this day. 

I do not claim love.

Nor confessions of.

But heartbreak asunder.

For my mourning love.

We live linear.

Moving to an end,

State of present. 

Our past we defend.

In our minds.

We fight to retain.

Our silver memories.

Our moments in pain.

And you are gone.

From me.

And I regret my time.

For I lost only to me.

Fear.

I fear risk.

In the unknown.

It attacks brisk.

You are perfect.

Molded to beauty.

In my own eyes.

I stutter at my duty.

To remember such.

An honor.

To have known such.

An honor. 

My dear,

Let me not forget.

Let me remember. 

In the rain wet.

For I replay.

My life with you.

Those fleeting moments.

And I veer into a view. 

Fiction takes hold.

What if.

What if I loved you.

I plummet from that cliff. 

What if you, me. 

What if dreams,

Became reality.

Written in their own reams. 

What if?

I ask as if for an answer.

What if?

What now?

What do I do?

My thoughts of you.

My dreams.

Fiction.

I regret. 

I anger.

I despair.

I mourn.

I live.

I move on.

You were a glimpse.

At perfection gone. 

A love lost.

Never had.

A dream.

A memory.

And so.

I ask:

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

Poetry the True Underlying Condition of my Life

I have studied Photography seriously for just over a decade. I have used almost every type of camera imaginable from the latest of digitals offering, to cameras made at the turn of the twentieth century and in between. I have worked as a videographer and photographer. I have studied my Masters in photography and plan to pursue a PhD in photography. I work as a camera salesman as my day job.  As I approach my twenty-fifth birthday I still and always will have much to learn about the craft that has taken over my life. 

I have written poetry since I was fourteen. I started as a way to understand William Shakespeare who I was playing in a play at high school. I started simple and evolved as I went. I damned the rule and I damned grammar. I just wrote I had found a way to vent my emotions as I felt them into a physical representation to the exact word, all in the name of teenage angst. I have won one local competition, and written hundreds of poems, most of which I have lost.

At the end of my Masters, I sought to combine the Japanese poetry known as Haiku and photography. Going forward I wish to sink my teeth into Poetry and Photography with more abandon. Though I have written for over a decade I never really studied poetry, past what was handed me in school. So as I study Haiku by chance I picked up a collection of Poems by Allen Ginsberg. I was inspired. The rawness of the words, the emotions and visions created spoke of what a younger me had sought to accomplish in the written form. I was renewed, I needed to learn more about this genre of poetry.

And though, I will never ever to profess to be a Master of the written word. Just as I will never ever profess to be a Master of the visual image. I wish to, going forwards use this blog as a way to talk about the two things that I have found the most passion for. I will be publishing poems, images. Images of poems, poems of images and so on and so on. I will leave you with a Haiku I wrote:

Just me and the cat,

It sleeps at my feet in bed

I await my dreams

Thanks For Reading,

Reece.

Life at Present - The Re-Do

Hello Life,

If you are reading this for the first time then you may notice that there are previous posts on this blog. Purely they where my earlier and very inconsistent attempts to maintain a blog. This is due in part to my own inconsistency and not really knowing what I wanted to blog about.

This problem is the only consistent thing about me and social media. Even on Facebook I very rarely post a status, I'm not one that has much too say on my day-to-day life. My fiance however uses it as her own form of blogging.

And, so as I write this early December 2016, a mere two days after my fiance's twenty fourth birthday I have come to a conclusion what it is I wish to write about. And that is photography, my passion and obsession. But first I would like to give a history of myself and photography.

'Warning very long ramble bellow!'

So in we go:

My first real memories of photography are at a zoo in the 'Lake District' in Cumbria England. I had with me two disposable 35mm film cameras. This was back before digital had really found it footing. I was around the ages of six to eight years old, its a little fuzzy. But I remember this trip to the zoo as my first conscious use of a camera and caring about what I framed and what I shot with it.

It was because of this trip that my father gave me his old Praktica film camera, a case and two lenses. The camera was used once by me and then forgotten the pictures never developed and that was that.

Fast forwards to the summer of 2007, my family got a free digital camera. It was tiny had a small optical viewfinder and took decent pictures. However, it also did video at a whopping 240p. Now me and my brother had just been both given our first Pc's from our grandparents. On this computer was a little program called Windows Movie Maker.

And so with the help of my little brother and two friends I shot and acted in a short 30 minute horror known as 'The Mine'. It is a horrendously rubbish film, but it was great fun to make. So I became obsessed with film-making and researched everything I could. It was also around this time High-School became a living hell and I had a complete and utter breakdown lasting till 2009.

Originally as my grades fell by the wayside I intended to to A-Levels. However instead I opted for BTEC Science. I got the grades and aced the interview. However last minute I decided Science was a safe option but not what I wanted to do. And so I enrolled into BTEC National Diploma in Film & TV Production.

Aside from a rocky carryover from High-School it was awesome and I passed with triple distinction. Equivalent to three As at A-Level. However a close relative of mine passed in the second year, and due to its suddenness and my relatives young age I decided to collect as many photo's and videos as I could into a montage for the funeral. This sparked one of the greatest obsessions in my life, photography. I became obsessed with freezing the moment, however my desire to be a screenwriter eclipsed it whilst it was still in its infancy.

Roll on University and Film & TV Production. Three fantastic years of my life, I met amazing people and learnt many things, including that I was apparently not half-bad at acting as student film would go. However photography dug its heels in and as me and my friends starting shooting Weddings, Gigs and so forth for a bit of extra income I veered from video to photography very heavily. 2014 and I left with photography finally truly in my heart and a 2:1 degree to my name.

Then came jobseekers and looking for employment. After three horrendous months I bagged a job working at a nearby petrol station. It was good, however the high the university left and my mood plummeted into fear of stagnation in this job. Enter a short but emotional relationship and I had another breakdown resulting in hospitalization. I am not proud of it but nor am I ashamed of what happened and I will speak freely without fear of judgement. Months later I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, a diagnosis that actually helped me bring closure to my time at high-school and why I was the way I was in certain situations and so forth and so on.

So this all happened and through absolute happenstance I kissed on pure impulse my now fiance and then current friend of eight years. I carried on working at the petrol station and managed to bag a few photography jobs here and there but nothing substantial. I was stagnating and I knew it and loathed it. However through again happenstance I bagged another job in another city (just a train-ride away) as a camera salesman. A job I love and surprisingly have adapted too really well. Que a few more photography jobs.

However due to my low hours and income I again felt stagnating there was no financial progress nor movement. And so I successfully applied to study a Masters in Photography part-time over two years. Now I have two years of study ahead of me I also feel it is time for me to push ahead with my photography. To pick myself up and either make it a viable hobby or career. And so this is the true purpose of this blog, for me to give short or long updates as I progress with my aspirations. In the end unless I can say I have truly tried then I have failed already.

And so on we go. Thank you for reading.

Reece Hudson,

The Late thoughts of the Pentax Q

I have had the Pentax Q for around a year now having acquired it just before my twentieth birthday. Now approaching twenty one and with more knowledge of cameras and photography under my belt. And the Q having two holidays abroad and numerous other shoots under its belt I felt I might as well as give my thoughts on it.

The Q is for fun, it is not for professional use, it is for fun. Let me stress that. I own a Canon 600d and have used 5d Mkii before. I am also eyeing up moving into the Micro Four Thirds sector due to size and space compared to DSLR's. And as a filmmaker the GH4 has piqued my interest. I currently only own the 01 Standard Zoom lens for the camera and seeing as buying any other other (non-toy) lenses would cost me more than what I paid for the camera and 01 lens I currently don't see myself making a purchase anytime soon. (No matter how much I want more flexibility with the system).

The quality of the Q is surprisingly good. Though grain can become an issue very quickly and make images look horrendous but other than that it handles itself very well. The zoom itself is a good lens starting wide-open at f2.8 but then moving to f5 by the time it is fully zoomed in. This slightly annoys me as the telephoto zoom offered for the system is a constant 2.8 why not have the same for the standard zoom so that they are on par?

The build quality of the camera is brilliant. It feels solid and robust in my hands the only cheap thing about it to the touch is the lens. I actually prefer the Q's build quality over my Canon. The screen at the back is good and clear though the focus assist could be improved with peaking to make it much easier to determine focus, something which I have missed without realising it until editing later. The pop flash annoys me, its cool and reminds me of a transformer and can be convenient in some rare moments but not always.

For the year I've had the camera I've wished for an EVF on it. It makes taking a picture for candid or street photography much easier in my opinion and helps calm my nerves (relatively new to street photography) about photographing strangers. I've puzzled over how an EVF would work in the camera itself and it wasn't until I saw Sony's RX100 Mkiii that I saw the solution. Throw in peaking and this camera would be a fluid brilliant nifty little thing.

Autofocus is reasonable in its speed, its not lightening quick but its good. However it struggles when people are moving into frame and on occasion has caused me to miss a shot. The camera's RAW handles well and allowed me to edit a picture taken with the built in flash and recover a lot of over highlighted areas and restore white balance and so forth.

I enjoy the art filters though I generally have mine stuck in Monochrome shooting Jpeg and RAW allowing me control later but also allowing me to see in B&W not sure what other Photographers think of this but I enjoy it, I enjoy seeing the world in Monochrome through a camera. To me Monochrome is timeless and to me the whole point of Photography is capturing a moment forever.

Colours can be evocative and inspiring drawing emotions out of people, but when you eliminate them the picture seams to tell a story so much easier and quicker. Allowing a viewer to truly see the moment frozen in time.

Overall I love the camera itself. I love how small it is and its convenience of use. Keeping it fully manual as well gives a pleasure point and shoots don't really give whilst shooting. My main problem with the camera is its focusing aids and lack of EVF. Though the latter is truly just my own opinion as I have still managed to get some great shots with it which shall be uploaded in a separate entry. Or you could look at my flickr account as some of the photos in there are from the Q.

Flickr Account: https://www.flickr.com/photos/98471286@N05/

Note: I am not a professional Photographer, nor am I a paid reviewer, these are purely my own thoughts for more details on spec look elsewhere either written or YouTube cheers.

Molotov Jukebox

Hello guys. Apologies for not posted anything on this due to University and Life swallowing time and thought and such. The joy. 

But anyways I am here to talk about a six piece British band known as Molotov Jukebox. I have recently come to enjoy their music. And my thoughts after just over a week of listening to them is why the bloody hell has it taken this long for me to know of them.

I am a massive music fan. My love for music covers almost all genres and many decades. However within the last decade or so my thought is that the music industry has become lacking. You flick through music channel after channel to pretty much the same songs or artist on an ever eternal loop. So when I came across Molotov Jukebox with their unique style I was very intrigued. 

I would like to say I came across this band through music which seams like it should have happened. However I found out about the band due to its leading lady. Natalia Tena who is also a very talented actress. Fans will know her as Ellie from About a Boy (2002) or Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter series starting with the Order of the Phoenix (2007) and more recently Osha the Wildling from Game of Thrones (2011-Present).

Finding out that she had a band called Molotov Jukebox intrigued me. So I hit YouTube in search of this elusive band. Now having bought all the songs of theirs I can and I can happily say to anyone if you don't after reading this search out the band and listen to them then you are sorely missing out. 

Now though a music fan I would not claim to be an expert or even a player of any instrument (tried and failed) I am throwing this out here purely on the basis that in around a week this band has become equal to my fave band of all time 'Nirvana' in the place of number 1. in my list of fave bands/artist. A feat which hundreds of other bands/artist have failed to do even after years of being listened to by me. 

The band is unique combining- Accordion, Violin, Guitar, Bass, Drums and Trumpet together in a multitude of styles. And they really do cover many genres yet retain their own distinct style which they have dubbed: 'Gypstep'. Each song holds its own brilliant beat which makes you want to just get up and dance and smile. They hold a very upbeat and charismatic feel to their music as if they truly love what they create. Something that to me becomes lacking in some of the more well known bands. Molotov Jukebox give of the feeling of grabbing life and enjoying it. 

Now I'm not saying you must like this band or else for all I know they might not be your cup of tea however they are well worth a listen to. And my apologies if this comes across as a ramble about this band I have come to love but alas still worth a listen to. 

Here is a good video to introduce them: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtIgGH9K3dw 

Quote of the Post -  Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it.