Yellow Pill

Yellow pill, yellow pill. Every day I take you, a small encapsulation of my life in repetition. A constant reminder of the dukkha prevalent in my own soul. A yo-yo of emotions more destructive and different than the poles of Earth herself.

I am me, yet I hold to question who else am I. A chip on my shoulder, a bug on my back. Stitched to me like Peter Pan’s shadow at my feet. No-one can see it, not even I. When I stare in the mirror, my face stares back untouched unmoved.

It is like tar seeping through my lungs with every breath. It can be suffocation and liberating. The demon on the silver lining of my shredded soul. It’s teeth and claws baring and breaking the skin. Leaving my inner workings a babe crying on the floor.

This thing that follows, invisible to all. This thing that hunts me, I can feel but not see. In the dark blue shade hours of the night and the grey chromatic light of the day, I am hunted. Is it safe to call it a hunt when the prey does not need be found?

I grind my teeth, clasp my knuckles and harden my gaze. It is close, sniffing around for its next meal. My daily grind feeds into my scent, it laps up the oozing smell of my stress. And with one more breath, my stress becomes self-sustaining.

A vicious cycle. Stress created externally only to be eaten and spewed out in the moment of the feast. More! More! More, it cries as it circles me like carrion cawing for its next meal. But it does not dish the killing blow. That is to be by my hand only.

Once the feast is done. It grips me tight, its nails digging in, and whispers sweet, sweet nothings in my ear. I relax and grow into a sense of security. Falsely felt. My mood shifts from the depths of hell to the highs of heaven.

My traveler leaps like a giddy dog. Encouraging me on, my giddiness fed by the giddy dog. I leap and bound like a drunken man. My actions fluid in the sense of sobriety but my mind awash with the haze of alcohol never drank.

Fading, fading the inevitable crash. But not the screech of metal on metal, but the slow fall of an angel who has displeased the almighty good. My wings bent and bowed, I circle the air as I fall. Watching Earth nay Hell form to greet me. I can see the end.  

Once again I sit in a monochrome room on a rainy day, a noir cliche. This is the greyscape of my inner-mind. It is a small bare room, with barely anything in. Just a bed, window and a door that will eventually open. But not yet.

I have fallen from the afterglow of heaven into a grey bleak room of self-loathing. This space is my own prison, a far cry from Heaven it is Hell. And my traveler, the shadow at my feet holds the key to the door, whispering despair in my ears.

The door opens. Up I jolt and leave my mind. The yellow pill here to rescue me. It stabilizes my altitude and levels the playing field. I am surrounded by a glass fence. Safe and secure. I tuck myself ready for a peaceful sleep.

But as I lie still, in my fenced off haven I suddenly watch. Like a cat it slinks about the fences, piercing me with those yellow eyes. Ready for its next move against me. I cry in terror, jumping from my bed. Its eyes laughing as the fences fall down.

What will it be? The mania of heaven or the depression down in hell? It lunges for me and I wish for the yellow pill. Crying out I hold out my hand in terror. I name you! By God I name you! My cruel shadow, my illness, I name you! But unlike true demons, you will never begone!    

Sonnet - Evermore

Evermore-

I’ll keep saying it, I love you.

I always undoubtedly will.

It is the only thing true,

The greatest of life’s thrill.

We have our ups and downs.

But we move on forwards,

Through smiles, tears and frowns.

So I’ll keep saying those three words.

I love you, my beautiful evermore.

We will live together and be married.

I could never see anything before.

Our future leaves me unworried. 

After all is said on this matter.

Little feet will we hear patter.

Poem - Thoughts Alone

Thought Alone

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

For that glimpse of fiction.

Is it just me my own?

I stepped into a panorama.

It cascaded my senses.

Time echoes slowly by.

My day enclosed in fences.

Cut off and drawn in lines.

I am bound by laws.

Rules I make to fury.

I whimper at my own flaws.

They scream and shout.

Glaring, an obvious mess.

I am my own reflection.

To my own naiveness. 

But moments;

They linger like a taste.

With a flash, they run.

And I give my chase.

So I ask.

Once again.

In my curious crisis.

My question a bane.

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

Or does reality, 

Have to be sown?

The clocks stop.

My eyes dim to close.

Memories shimmer.

My voice awaiting prose.

You stand.

Opposite me.

Beyond the mirror.

My memory be.

For you are,

Now a memory.

More certain than ever. 

I am cold and empty.

Like smoke to a net.

You drift away.

My chance lost.

None existent this day. 

I do not claim love.

Nor confessions of.

But heartbreak asunder.

For my mourning love.

We live linear.

Moving to an end,

State of present. 

Our past we defend.

In our minds.

We fight to retain.

Our silver memories.

Our moments in pain.

And you are gone.

From me.

And I regret my time.

For I lost only to me.

Fear.

I fear risk.

In the unknown.

It attacks brisk.

You are perfect.

Molded to beauty.

In my own eyes.

I stutter at my duty.

To remember such.

An honor.

To have known such.

An honor. 

My dear,

Let me not forget.

Let me remember. 

In the rain wet.

For I replay.

My life with you.

Those fleeting moments.

And I veer into a view. 

Fiction takes hold.

What if.

What if I loved you.

I plummet from that cliff. 

What if you, me. 

What if dreams,

Became reality.

Written in their own reams. 

What if?

I ask as if for an answer.

What if?

What now?

What do I do?

My thoughts of you.

My dreams.

Fiction.

I regret. 

I anger.

I despair.

I mourn.

I live.

I move on.

You were a glimpse.

At perfection gone. 

A love lost.

Never had.

A dream.

A memory.

And so.

I ask:

Can moments exist;

Upon a thought alone?

Poetry the True Underlying Condition of my Life

I have studied Photography seriously for just over a decade. I have used almost every type of camera imaginable from the latest of digitals offering, to cameras made at the turn of the twentieth century and in between. I have worked as a videographer and photographer. I have studied my Masters in photography and plan to pursue a PhD in photography. I work as a camera salesman as my day job.  As I approach my twenty-fifth birthday I still and always will have much to learn about the craft that has taken over my life. 

I have written poetry since I was fourteen. I started as a way to understand William Shakespeare who I was playing in a play at high school. I started simple and evolved as I went. I damned the rule and I damned grammar. I just wrote I had found a way to vent my emotions as I felt them into a physical representation to the exact word, all in the name of teenage angst. I have won one local competition, and written hundreds of poems, most of which I have lost.

At the end of my Masters, I sought to combine the Japanese poetry known as Haiku and photography. Going forward I wish to sink my teeth into Poetry and Photography with more abandon. Though I have written for over a decade I never really studied poetry, past what was handed me in school. So as I study Haiku by chance I picked up a collection of Poems by Allen Ginsberg. I was inspired. The rawness of the words, the emotions and visions created spoke of what a younger me had sought to accomplish in the written form. I was renewed, I needed to learn more about this genre of poetry.

And though, I will never ever to profess to be a Master of the written word. Just as I will never ever profess to be a Master of the visual image. I wish to, going forwards use this blog as a way to talk about the two things that I have found the most passion for. I will be publishing poems, images. Images of poems, poems of images and so on and so on. I will leave you with a Haiku I wrote:

Just me and the cat,

It sleeps at my feet in bed

I await my dreams

Thanks For Reading,

Reece.

Life at Present - The Re-Do

Hello Life,

If you are reading this for the first time then you may notice that there are previous posts on this blog. Purely they where my earlier and very inconsistent attempts to maintain a blog. This is due in part to my own inconsistency and not really knowing what I wanted to blog about.

This problem is the only consistent thing about me and social media. Even on Facebook I very rarely post a status, I'm not one that has much too say on my day-to-day life. My fiance however uses it as her own form of blogging.

And, so as I write this early December 2016, a mere two days after my fiance's twenty fourth birthday I have come to a conclusion what it is I wish to write about. And that is photography, my passion and obsession. But first I would like to give a history of myself and photography.

'Warning very long ramble bellow!'

So in we go:

My first real memories of photography are at a zoo in the 'Lake District' in Cumbria England. I had with me two disposable 35mm film cameras. This was back before digital had really found it footing. I was around the ages of six to eight years old, its a little fuzzy. But I remember this trip to the zoo as my first conscious use of a camera and caring about what I framed and what I shot with it.

It was because of this trip that my father gave me his old Praktica film camera, a case and two lenses. The camera was used once by me and then forgotten the pictures never developed and that was that.

Fast forwards to the summer of 2007, my family got a free digital camera. It was tiny had a small optical viewfinder and took decent pictures. However, it also did video at a whopping 240p. Now me and my brother had just been both given our first Pc's from our grandparents. On this computer was a little program called Windows Movie Maker.

And so with the help of my little brother and two friends I shot and acted in a short 30 minute horror known as 'The Mine'. It is a horrendously rubbish film, but it was great fun to make. So I became obsessed with film-making and researched everything I could. It was also around this time High-School became a living hell and I had a complete and utter breakdown lasting till 2009.

Originally as my grades fell by the wayside I intended to to A-Levels. However instead I opted for BTEC Science. I got the grades and aced the interview. However last minute I decided Science was a safe option but not what I wanted to do. And so I enrolled into BTEC National Diploma in Film & TV Production.

Aside from a rocky carryover from High-School it was awesome and I passed with triple distinction. Equivalent to three As at A-Level. However a close relative of mine passed in the second year, and due to its suddenness and my relatives young age I decided to collect as many photo's and videos as I could into a montage for the funeral. This sparked one of the greatest obsessions in my life, photography. I became obsessed with freezing the moment, however my desire to be a screenwriter eclipsed it whilst it was still in its infancy.

Roll on University and Film & TV Production. Three fantastic years of my life, I met amazing people and learnt many things, including that I was apparently not half-bad at acting as student film would go. However photography dug its heels in and as me and my friends starting shooting Weddings, Gigs and so forth for a bit of extra income I veered from video to photography very heavily. 2014 and I left with photography finally truly in my heart and a 2:1 degree to my name.

Then came jobseekers and looking for employment. After three horrendous months I bagged a job working at a nearby petrol station. It was good, however the high the university left and my mood plummeted into fear of stagnation in this job. Enter a short but emotional relationship and I had another breakdown resulting in hospitalization. I am not proud of it but nor am I ashamed of what happened and I will speak freely without fear of judgement. Months later I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar, a diagnosis that actually helped me bring closure to my time at high-school and why I was the way I was in certain situations and so forth and so on.

So this all happened and through absolute happenstance I kissed on pure impulse my now fiance and then current friend of eight years. I carried on working at the petrol station and managed to bag a few photography jobs here and there but nothing substantial. I was stagnating and I knew it and loathed it. However through again happenstance I bagged another job in another city (just a train-ride away) as a camera salesman. A job I love and surprisingly have adapted too really well. Que a few more photography jobs.

However due to my low hours and income I again felt stagnating there was no financial progress nor movement. And so I successfully applied to study a Masters in Photography part-time over two years. Now I have two years of study ahead of me I also feel it is time for me to push ahead with my photography. To pick myself up and either make it a viable hobby or career. And so this is the true purpose of this blog, for me to give short or long updates as I progress with my aspirations. In the end unless I can say I have truly tried then I have failed already.

And so on we go. Thank you for reading.

Reece Hudson,

Me, Myself and I: A Rundown of my Equipment now and Future....

Ok so first of my equipment as a writer is generally:

Microsoft Word: For Novel, Poetry, Short Stories and any Character Profiles and Treatments for any Scripts I happen to be writing.

Celtx: For script writing though I am slowly shifting over to Adobe's Story I currently still use this as a script writing tool due to most my friends using the same program enabling scripts to be sent to each other and Doctored much easier.

Adobe Story: With my purchase of Adobe CC I had myself a look at Story. I am still learning all the programs features but for the moment I am happy enough with it to state it is now my main script writing program. A program I am currently writing a script called: 'Whisky.'

I either write upon my custom built PC or my now old Asus Eee PC netbook. The little thing which I expected to be a short investment until I could buy myself a descent laptop has exceeded my expectations and kept me quite happy and content. I am currently looking for a new portable machine to write on currently my eye is being drawn to the 13'' Macbook Air by Apple. Hopefully I would like to get it whilst it's student discount still applies to myself but we shall have to wait and see.

For Photography/Filming I use:

Canon 600D: Originally bought for purely filming. The photography aspect of the camera itself didn't really impact me until recently when I became slightly enamored with Black and White photography. I currently own three lens' for the camera these are as follows: 18-55mm & 50-250mm Kit lens. Along with the 50mm Prime 1.8f also known as the 'Nifty Fifty'. They serve their purpose well and give me a good range to play around with. Though some L lens would prove better but we shall come to that.

I also recently (for my 20th) acquired the Pentax Q and its 5-15mm lens. This camera is a camera purely for fun. It's tiny form factor and good photo quality for what it is and it's price which I got for £150.00 is fantastic to play around with. I put it in a tiny camera bag and carry it around with me without any hassle allowing me to take a picture on the go without a cumbersome DSLR backpack full of lens.  

Now earlier I mentioned about L-Lens. Though brilliant kit I myself am not really interested in them. Because I see my future in photography as in my next camera in the mirror-less sector. Mainly the Micro-Four-Thirds area of Mirror-Less. This is mainly due to pricing, size, portability and quality. The camera I would love to own for photography is the Olympus OMD E-M1 now I'm not going to review it as I have no hands on experience but seriously 'E-M1' into YouTube and will see many brilliant reviews about the camera.

I also mentioned earlier that I own Adobe CC. Which I use for post on short/student films and or photography. And of course my script writing for Story. Now I have only been using Adobe software for a short amount of time having been converted from Sony Vegas Pro within the last year or so curtsy of my friend Dan.

My perfect future kit is: The Olympus OMD E-M1 and a few nice MFT lens. And a dedicated camera for filming preferably in RAW as RAW is just cool.  But my next main buy will have to be a portable yet decently powerful laptop for Writing and Lightroom usage.

Now that's a bit of a run down on my equipment and equipment aspirations (we all have them) and just a view upon myself and so forth. I shall be posting an overview of the Nifty Fifty Canon Lens on Weds and every Friday or Saturday will be a small ramble such as today's. At the end I shall put a quote I found and enjoyed ranging from any topic.

Hope You Enjoyed,

And I leave you with this: 'When you fall for someone's personality, everything about them becomes beautiful.'

First Blog -

Hello, I'm Reece and this is well my first ever blog so hope it's actually ok-ish in stuff and things. I am a Writer/Photographer and other things but mainly those two. I will be blogging about Writing and Photography. With writing mainly rambling about techniques I use for writing and so forth. Though far from a professional maybe they might help you with a new perspective on things. For Photography I am still learning so I will be talking about that and reviewing new and old equipment and generally discussing my thoughts on things.

I will also be reviewing and discussing Films and TV new and old. As a writer I look at various points in films to better get an understanding of how I could approach something in my ideas and so forth. I will be reviewing Film and TV that may have been out for years due to either me recently watching them or just to get my thoughts and so forth out there. I will review almost any form of Film and TV because in my mind if you want to understand and or make films looking at the good doesn't teach you how not to make a bad film and looking at a bad film can teach you just as much. Also no matter the film they may have done something unique or interesting in the making of the film that could help you or give you ideas to help you.

I also will throw any interesting articles in that I come across and so forth.
Hope you enjoy :)